Completing the Incomplete
I did a year-long yoga teacher training and never got my certification.
Let’s be clear. I’m not referring to it like “I never got it in the mail.” I mean I never completed all of the requirements that were necessary to receive a Registered Yoga Teacher’s Certification through the Yoga Alliance and from the established studio where I did my training.
Let’s also be clear. I did ALL the weekends. Loved, treasured, soaked up every morsel of the teachings. There were nine FULL weekends of rich, delicious — tough — physical asana (poses/postures/flows) and journalling and deep dives into WHO I was and breaking through blocks and limitations. I taught the practice classes. I stood in front of a room of people and stumbled and stuttered and worked my way through all the mess. I nourished myself with whole foods and lost almost 15 pounds. My physical body was in the best shape of its life. I was strong, lean, focused...aware. I was so healthy that I even got pregnant – on the first try.
All I had to do was complete my bookwork and write out 30 yoga sequences. Truth be told, it’s really all I would STILL have to do. Twelve years later, I do not have my certification and, without fail, every New Year’s Day I put it on my list of big goals. TWELVE YEARS LATER.
I could (and may sometimes) tell myself that it’s “ok”. I could come up with a bazillion reasons why that certification is not framed like everyone else’s. I was pregnant, then I had a newborn, and then a toddler, and another newborn; maybe you didn’t really want to teach; maybe it was just to meet those 5 beautiful women who even now still know you, hear you, see you; maybe it was just for the deep yoga dive; maybe it was just to meet Maureen; maybe, maybe, maybe...blah, blah, BLAH.
MAYBE it was BECAUSE YOU WERE AFRAID. Afraid to teach. Afraid you weren’t ready. Afraid you weren’t ENOUGH.
Because that’s really the truth. That’s where it really sticks. That’s where I can feel it deep in my gut. I was afraid. So I sabotaged myself. I quit. I avoided. I had perfect, acceptable, “legit” reasons and excuses. So convincing that they lasted for 12 years...and counting...until New Year’s Day came around again at least.
Where are you sabotaging yourself? Where are you creating really, really great reasons and excuses? What are you hanging on to, feeling guilty about, shaming yourself? What are you keeping around so you can use it as another excuse for something else? See where this goes? It’s an ugly, gross, uninteresting cycle. That YOU are creating.
Here’s how the cycle stops.
ACKNOWLEDGE the TRUTH. Get real with yourself. Write it out. Sit in a dark corner and cry it out. Look in the mirror. Just be straight about what it really is.
~then you have 2 simple options~a) Make a choice to either do something about it (take the action, no matter how small, to move something forward, or even complete it) or b) DON’T (and then declare that).
There is POWER in the don’t, too. This is really juicy. The ability and awareness to just be so honest and straight with yourself and accept that it didn’t happen and move on is life-giving. You didn’t complete that. You failed. You...fill in the blank. It’s all just meaning YOU are giving to it.
Intentionally and powerfully COMPLETE IT. Do some sore of physical manifestation/celebration/ceremony of the completion. Write a letter. Tell someone.
Create art about it. Create something else from it that DOES light you up. I prefer to harness the power of fire. I write whatever needs to be said on a piece of paper and then burn that bitch.
LET IT GO. And then move (strut) on...